the #1 skill for improving your relationships

I had a friend whose adult son has mild autism. His son, who is now 30, used to be socially awkward. But as a young adult he saw that if he was going to have meaningful connections with people, he needed to be intentional about changing his way of relating. He did, and now you’d never guess he used to struggle with relationships.

We too can connect deeply with others if we’re willing to be intentional about changing. So I’m going to list what I think are the top three relating skills we need for the mid-level friendships one can find in a church context.

#3: Initiate Gracefully

Do you ever invite someone out to brunch after church? Are you ever the first person to risk a little vulnerability in sharing? Do you broach the subject when you sense distance? If not, you’re expecting others to do the work of initiating.

On the other hand, do you initiate too intensely? Relationships deepen gradually and with reciprocity. Picture a tennis game. One person hits an easy ball to her partner; her partner hits it back slightly harder. Person one replies with a little more velocity, but still within her partner’s reach. Over time a lively match transpires because the friends accelerated at a pace that they both like. When you initiate, notice if the other person reciprocates by initiating back. Give it a few tries, and if the person doesn’t reciprocate, ease up.

#2: Be Interesting

When God made humanity, he called us very good. That means each person has thoughts, feelings, interests, and experiences that make us attractive – if we know how to share them.

A person is uninteresting when they bring a false self into the room. Here are some attributes that makes us uninteresting (a.k.a. boring):

apathetic (bringing no eagerness for connection)

shy (never risking self-disclosure)

self-centered (always turning the topic to me)

vacant (stuffing one’s true feelings)

dominating (controlling the interaction)

trying too hard (too eager to make a splash)

dependent (lazy about being a developed self)

Of course, other people may be unable to receive you because they are the boring ones. In that case, their smallness can’t fathom your depth and complexity. Moreover, if a person doesn’t know Christ, they cannot be filled with the Spirit, so the most interesting aspect of themselves remains un-activated.

#1: Listen

Listening deeply and actively to someone is the most connecting skill there is. And some of you are poor listeners because you simply cannot focus on someone else. You miss their cues, remain unaware of their feelings, and basically convey by your behavior that you’re not interested in them.

Good listeners don’t merely stay quiet and make eye contact; they enter the other person’s world. They make you feel like you’re the only person in the room because they don’t just ask one follow-up question and then change the subject; they keep the focus on you long enough to let you bring your real self into the room. And they do it patiently. They smile at your triumphs, laugh at your jokes, and sympathize with your hurts.

Good listeners, though, may need to be watch out for a tendency to always be in the listening role. If that’s you, experiment with asserting yourself by sharing a story or a joke or a need you have. Learn to be comfortable holding the spotlight.

James 1:19 says Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. That’s good advice.

Going beyond mid-level friendships

If you want to deepen your relationships, humbly ask someone you trust which of these skills you need to improve. But Jesus wants his Church to go beyond what I’m calling mid-level friendships. He tells us in John 13:34-35 Love one another as I have loved you. By this all people will know you are my disciples, if you love one another.

Getting to that level of relationship means sharing life together. That’s a subject for another time.