RECONCILING IN 5 EASY STEPS
I saw a few of you taking a photo of the PowerPoint slide “5 Steps to Reconciling” during the sermon on Sunday, so I thought I’d make it available in print. But of course, reconciling is often not easy. It takes courage, skill, and generosity. None of which we have at our fingertips when we’re feuding.
However, being at odds with someone love who matters to you feels so wretched that motivation to reconcile is often built-in. And once reconciliation is accomplished it feels so good that we often think “I was an idiot for not doing this sooner”.
So here goes: reconciling in five easy steps, each beginning with the letter “S’:
Swallow Your Pride
Ask yourself, “Would I rather be right or be reconciled? If you’d rather be right, I hope you can see that people don’t usually come into agreement with you through blunt force trauma. You’ll be able to get your point across better once a truce is declared. So try to be generous. Wasn’t Jesus generous in forgiving you?
Say You’re Sorry
Owning responsibility for your part in things doesn’t decrease your power, it increases it. I noticed this when I had to apologize to my eight-year-old son. It made him more willing to obey me, not less. And groveling is not necessary. However, sincerity is. It often takes a minor breakthrough to get past the anger and into the regret – especially for us men. Ask the Spirit to help you.
Speak the Truth in Love
You might be temped to downplay this step because you’re eager to have the conflict over. This is a good way to ensure you’ll have the conflict again next month! So pray for the right words, and speak as gently as you can. How you phrase it matters; instead of saying “I wish you’d pay me more attention”, say “I really liked it when you initiated that date we went on – it made my heart sing.”
If you’re still stewing over the conflict, you may be settling for a less-than-satisfying resolution. You could say something like “I know I should have said this sooner, but I’m realizing I’ve got more I need to say about our conflict last week. Could we talk about it over coffee this weekend?”
Soak in the Forgiveness
Until we let ourselves truly experience forgiveness, we often find we’re carrying residual guilt or anger. And for some of us, that’s our “normal”. Here are some signs that you’re really reconciled with someone: you can laugh with them, touch them, and experience real emotions in their company.
Stop the Bad Behavior
Let us not love in words alone, but with actions (1 John 3:18). An insincere person will sweet-talk their way through a conflict and avoid making a true change in behavior. This shows a disregard for how his or her behavior affects others. It’s selfish, and it results in mediocre relationships.
But I think we can do better than that. Real reconciliation often takes real work, but it creates momentum in a relationship. The result is that we detect small breaks in the relationship sooner, act to repair them sooner, and overall live in a more deeply peaceful way.
